...to Bernard...
...Geoffrey...
...St. John Delaney.
I call upon those persons here present to witness...
...that I, Bernard...
...Delaney...
...that I, Bernard Delaney...
...do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott...
...to be my awful wedded wife.
...to be my lawful wedded wife.
That's r... That's right.
May almighty God bless you all.
The Father, the Son and the Holy spigot... Spirit.
Amen.
Bravo!
Thanks.
- We're coming, Bernie. - Up here!
Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
That way? Yes, of course.
- Sorry. Could you two... - Tom, don't go away.
Sorry.
I've got a new theory about marriage.
Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly...
...one day they run out of conversation.
Totally. They can't think of a single thing to say to each other.
That's it. Panic.
Then suddenly...
...it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
- Which is? - He'll ask her to marry him.
Brilliant. Brilliant!
They've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
You're saying marriage is a way to get out of a pause in conversation.
The definitive icebreaker.
Tom, how's the speech coming along?
It's pretty good, I think. Something for everyone.
Tears, laughter.
Excellent.
I think it's a very good theory, Gareth.
There is another argument that it has something to do with true love.
Now there's a thought.
Can I help you, sir?
Can I have three glasses of brandy, please?
Hi.
Hello.
How are you?
Fine. Fine.
Yeah. Sorry, I'm overwhelmed to see you.
Look, don't go back to America. Please.
- Be back in two secs, okay? - Okay.
Hi, Fi.
That's yours and yours. See you in 5 hours.
- Something happened? - Yes. This is a bloody great wedding.
Hi.
Well, you look perfect. In fact, you probably are perfect.
- Well, how are you? - I'm really well.
Charles, I'd like you to meet Hamish, my fiancé.
Excellent.
How do you do, Hamish? Delighted to meet you.
Charming to find Carrie back here.
It took lots of persuading.
Come on, darling, I told James I was getting you.
He'll think I've totally lost control over you already.
I'll see you later.
How are you doing, Charles?
Not great, actually, suddenly.
I don't know.
I mean...
What the hell's going on here? Why am I always at weddings...
...and never actually getting married, Matt?
It's probably because you're a bit scruffy.
Yeah.
Or it could also be because you haven't met the right girl.
But you see, is that it?
Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet them all the time.
- Maybe it's me. - Oh, nonsense.
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen:
Dinner is served.
Come on. Odds on you meet your wife at dinner.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Charles?
Hi.
- Hello, I'm Alistair. - Great.
And I believe you know Veronica.
Yeah. Hi, V.
Nicki.
Great.
Tell me, are you married?
No.
Are you a lesbian?
Good lord!
Well, what made you say that?
It's one of the possibilities for unmarried girls.
It's a bit more interesting than saying:
"Oh, dear. Just never found the right chap."
Quite right.
Why be dull?
Thank you.
The truth is, I have met the right person, only he's not in love with me.
Until I stop loving him, no one stands a chance.
Bad luck.
Yes, isn't it?
I was a lesbian once at school...
...but only for 15 minutes. I don't think it counts.
There are 400 different kinds of tea...
...and that's not including all these so-called fruit teas.
I took Veronica to India to look at the plantations.
Excellent.
I believe you and her went there once.
That's right.
Charles was vile.
He insisted on cracking jokes while I was ill.
I was cheering you up.
You're that Veronica!
Which Veronica?
Charlie?
Remember Bombay?
When Charles and I were going out, he told me he'd had...
...this interesting journey around India...
...with Vomiting Veronica.
I think that was it.
I don't remember ever mentioning it. Maybe I did.
Oh, come on, Charles.
I don't think I've been out with anyone less discreet.
That's a bit of an exaggeration.
It is not.
I remember you going on about this girl. Helena was it?
Her mother made a pass at you.
I remember this!
You couldn't work out if it would be impolite not to accept her advances!
That's right!
Helena was Miss Piggy, so her mother was Mrs. Piggy.
I think perhaps it was...
We've both lost a lot of weight since then.
Ah, great. The speeches.
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen...
...pray silence for the best man.
When Bernard told me he was getting engaged to Lydia...
...I congratulated him, because all his other girlfriends...
...had been such complete dogs.
May I say we are delighted to have so many of them here this evening.
I'm particularly delighted to see Camilla...
...who many of you will probably remember...
...as the first person Bernard asked to marry him.
If I remember rightly, she told him to sod off.
And lucky for Lydia that she did.
It's very disappointing.
We had the most adorable girl at our table called Carrie.
Apparently her fiancé's awfully grand and he owns half of Scotland.
- How are you? - I'm stuck in the wedding from hell.
Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn.
If I see Henrietta, the horror will be complete.
Hello, Charles.
Hello, Hen. How are you?
Oh, Hen, I...
Why can't you leave her alone?
Haven't you hurt her enough?
Excuse me. I think I'd better be where other people are not.
Hello.
Taxi!
Good night, sir.
Thank you.
I know. It's all right. Oh, God, this is wonderful.
Please.
Oh, wait a minute. This is no fun. I want to see my lovely husband!
Who's a very bad bridegroom, indeed?!
- Have you got a boyfriend? - Yes.
- What's his name? - Dolph. He's good at table tennis.
What about you?
No. Afraid not.
Why not?
I don't know.
Because most of the blokes I fancy...
...think I'm stupid and pointless...
...and so they just bonk me and then leave me.
And the kind of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips.
I can't even be bothered to bonk them...
...which does sort of leave me a bit nowhere.
What's bonking?
Well, it's kind of like table tennis...
...only with slightly smaller balls.
So good!
I love my wife!
And I love my husband!
Think we'd better be getting back?
Or we could just wait a few minutes and have another go.
Naughty...
...naughty little rabbit.
Found it.
Charles. Charles, we must talk.
Right. You're right.
The thing is, Charlie, I've spoken to lots of people about you.
And everybody agrees you're in real trouble, Charles.
Am I?
You see, you're turning into a serial monogamist.
One girl after another, yet you'll never love anyone...
...because you never let them near you.
On the contrary, Hen...
You're affectionate to them and sweet to them.
Even to me, although you thought I was an idiot.
- I did not. - You did.
I thought U2 was a type of submarine.
Well, their music has a naval quality.
Be serious, Charles. You must give people a chance.
You don't have to think, "I must get married."
But you mustn't start relationships thinking, "I mustn't get married."
Most of the time I don't think at all. I just potter along.
Oh, Charlie!
Oh, God, the way you used to look at me!
I just misread it, that's all.
I thought you were going to propose and you were working out how to leave.
No, no. I wasn't.
Oh, God. This is ridiculous.
- Hen... - No.
No, Hen! Hen!
No!
Having a good night?
Yes, yes.
It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value.
I thought you'd gone.
No. Hamish has to take the Edinburgh sleeper.
I'm off now. Keep me company?
Here, please.
You want to come up for a nightcap?
You sure?
Yes. I think we can risk it.
I'm pretty sure I can resist you. You're not that cute.
Sorry. Yeah, great.
Morning, Charles.
Breakfast's up.
Well, it's a bit burnt.
Excellent.
What are you up to today?
Oh, yeah.
I'm taking advantage of the fact that for the first time in my life...
...it's Saturday and I don't have a wedding to go to.
All I have to do is not be late for David.
I'm gonna go for a job.
A shop called Spank wants a sales assistant.
I think I'd be great.
They sell all this funny rubber stuff.
Oh, no.
Another wedding invitation...
...and a list. Lovely.
Well, they say rubber's mainly for perverts.
I don't know why. It's very practical, actually.
You spill anything on it, and it just comes off.
I suppose that could be why the perverts like it.
You all right?
Yeah, yeah.
It's that girl, Carrie. You remember...
...the American.
Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.
Do you have the wedding list for Banks?
Certainly, sir.
Lots of beautiful things for around about the £1000 mark.
What about, things around the sort of £50 mark? Is there much?
Well, you could get that pygmy warrior over there.
This? Excellent.
If you could find someone to chip in the other £3950.
Or our carrier bags are £1.50 each.
Why don't you just get 33 of them?
Yes, well, I think I'll probably leave it.
Thanks very much. You've been very...
What'd you get?
Blimey!
Well, I never.
Nothing yet. I'm just, you know, deciding.
It's nice to see you.
This present thing is great.
I should've gotten married years ago.
Did anybody go for the pygmy?
The young man was thinking about it.
Oh, no!
Just get me an ashtray.
Are you free for about a half-hour?
Yeah. I'm supposed to meet my brother, but I can be a bit late.
Good, come with me. You have an important decision to make.
It's crucial that you mustn't laugh.
Okay, right.
What do you think?
Divine.
Bit of a meringue?
Oh, don't worry. We've only just begun.
What do you think?
You're kidding.
It would be wonderful, wouldn't it?
Maybe next time.
What do you think?
I knew it.
But with a staff, you could mind sheep.
Don't be rude.
It's a bit sexy, this.
Well...
...if I were your husband, I would die of pride.
You're right. It is dangerous.
There's nothing more off-putting than a priest with an enormous erection.
One strange thing is thinking you'll never sleep with anyone else.
You don't think you'll be unfaithful?
No. Not once I'm married.
I told Hamish I'll kill him if he does, so I better stick to that.
Quite right.
Anyway, I reckon I've had my fair run at it.
What is a fair run these days down your way?
Oh, I don't know.
More than one.
Well, come on.
Tell me.
I've seen the dress. We have no secrets now.
Well...
The first one...
...of course not easily forgotten, was kind of nice.
Two: Hairy back.
Three, four, five...
Six was on my birthday in my parents' room.
- Which birthday? - 17th.
We've only reached 17?
I grew up in the country. Lots of rolling around in haystacks.
Okay, seven.
Eight, unfortunately, was quite a shock.
Nine: Against a fence. Very uncomfortable. Don't try it.
I won't.
Ten was gorgeous. Just heaven, just...
Wonderful.
I hate him.
Eleven: Obviously, after 10, disappointing.
Twelve through 17: The university years.
Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys. Sexually speaking, a real low patch.
Eighteen broke my heart.
Years of yearning.
I'm sorry.
Twenty: Oh, my God, I can't believe I've reached 20.
Twenty-one: Elephant tongue.
Twenty-two kept falling asleep. That was my first year in England.
I do apologize.
Twenty-three and 24 together.
- That was something. - Seriously?
Twenty-seven: Now that was a mistake.
Suddenly, at 27, you make a mistake?
Well, yes, he kept screaming.
It was very off-putting. I nearly gave up on the whole thing.
But Spencer changed my mind. That's 28.
His father, 29.
His father?
Thirty...
Thirty-one, oh, my God.
Thirty-two was lovely.
And then my fiancé. That's 33.
Wow!
So I came after your fiancé?
No, you were 32.
So there you go.
Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di, I hope.
And you? How many have you slept with?
Christ. Nothing like that many.
I don't know what the fuck I've been doing with my time, actually.
Work, yeah, that's it, work. I have been working late a lot.
I wish I'd rung you...
...but then you never rang me.
You ruthlessly slept with me twice and never rang me.
Oh, bollocks!
Help me, please. Please.
Carrie, this is David, my brother.
Hi.
I was just telling him about you marrying Hamish...
...and he said it couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow.
- Where are you doing it? - Scotland.
He says that's a beautiful place. Hilly.
You should come to the wedding too.
I want many friends there to make up for the stiffs that Hamish knows.
Well, you better go in.
Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
Fuck it.
Look.
Sorry, sorry.
I just, well... This is a really stupid question...
...particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion.
But, I just wondered if by any chance...
Obviously not, because I'm a git who's only slept with nine people.
But I just wondered...
I really feel...
In short, to recap in a slightly clearer version...
...in the words of David Cassidy, in fact...
...while he was with The Partridge Family...
...I think I love you.
I just wondered whether by any chance you wouldn't like to...
No, no, no. Of course not.
I'm an idiot, he's not.
Excellent. Excellent. Fantastic.
Lovely to see you. Sorry to disturb. Better get on.
Fuck!
That was very romantic.
Well, I thought it over a lot. I wanted to get it just right.
Important to have said it, I think.
Said what, exactly?
Said...
...you know, what I just said about...
...David Cassidy.
You're lovely.
It was ordained for lifelong faithful relationship of conjugal love.
It was ordained for the welfare of human society...
... which can be strong and happy...
... only when the marriage bond is held in honor.
Into this holy estate...
...these two persons now desire to enter.
Wherefore if anyone can show any just cause...
...why they may not lawfully be joined together in marriage...
...let him now declare it.
Sorry.
Please rise.
Do you, Hamish...
...take this woman, Caroline, to be your wedded wife?
And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation...
...promise and covenant to be to her, a loving and faithful husband...
...until God shall separate you by death?
I do.
Do you, Caroline...
...take this man, Hamish, to be your wedded husband?
And do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation...
...promise and covenant to be to him a loving and faithful wife...
...until God shall separate you by death?
I do.
Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
- Awfully nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
How do you do?
Hello.
You look beautiful.
- Not a meringue in sight. - Thanks.
Blimey.
It's Brigadoon. It's bloody Brigadoon!
Dear old things, as you know...
...I've always been proud there isn't a wedding ring between the lot of us.
Over the passing of years, it's suddenly beginning to distress me.
I'd like to go to the wedding of someone I really loved, for a change.
Don't blame me. I've asked practically everyone I know.
You haven't ask me.
- Haven't I? - No.
Oh, Scarlett.
Would you like to?
No, thank you. It was very nice of you to ask.
Well, anytime.
Quite right, Tom. That's the spirit.
Tonight, these are your orders:
Go forth and conjugate. Find husbands and wives.
Excellent plan. What do you think, Fifi?
Spot a potential hubby in the throng?
- Bugger off, Tom. - Quite right.
A toast before we go into battle.
To true love.
In whatever shape or form it may come.
May we all in our dotage be proud to say:
"I was adored once too."
- True love. - True love!
Apparently, an enormous number of people...
...actually bump into their future spouses at weddings.
Which is interesting.
Yes, I met my husband at a wedding.
Good lord, I seem to have finished my drink. If you'll excuse me.
Hello. My name's Scarlett.
Named after Scarlett O'Hara, but much less trouble.
What's your name?
My name's Rhett.
No.
Not really!
No, not really. In fact, it's Chester.
You kidder.
I always imagine Americans are going to be dull as shit.
I mean, of course you're not, are you?
Steve Martin's American, isn't he?
Yes, he is.
You're lovely.
Come on!
Hello, Charles.
Oh, Hen. Hi.
I'm sorry. I couldn't really bear a scene today.
I know we probably got tons to talk about.
Did I behave that atrociously last time?
- Remember the shower scene in Psycho? - Yeah.
Scarier.
Oh, God, I'm depressed, Hen. How are you?
I'm cheerful, actually. I weigh almost nothing.
And I've got a divine new boyfriend.
- Perhaps we should've married. - Good God, no.
I'd have had to marry your friends. I'm not quite sure I could take Fiona.
Fiona loves you.
Fiona calls me duckface.
Well, I never heard that.
Look, darling, come to lunch soon.
Give me a ring, okay? Oh, still cute!
How's duckface?
Good form, actually. Not too mad.
Ladies and gentlemen:
The bride and groom.
You like this girl, don't you?
Yes.
Yes, it's a...
It was a strange thing when at last it happens.
And...
...she's marrying someone else.
How about you, Fifi?
You identified a future partner for life yet?
No need, really.
The deed is done.
I've been in love with the same bloke for ages.
Have you?
Who's that?
You, Charlie.
It's always been you.
Since first we met...
...oh so many years ago.
I knew the first moment.
Across a crowded room.
Or lawn, in fact.
Doesn't matter.
There's nothing either of us can do. Such is life.
Friends isn't...
...bad, you know? Friends is quite something.
Oh, Fi.
It's not all easy, is it?
No.
Just forget this business. Not to be.
Matthew, darling.
Where's Gareth?
Torturing Americans.
How thoughtful of him.
Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?
Not personally, no.
But I do know someone who could get his fax number for you.
Shall we dance?
Well, any rings on fingers?
Oh, Gareth, you don't know how lucky you are.
Finding someone to marry is a very tricky business.
It's hell out there. Matthew's trapped with a Minnesotan evangelist.
Come down, sweet Jesus, and cast out the devil!
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen...
...please charge your glasses.
First, and rather unusually, we have the bride.
Excellent. I love this girl.
Thank you.
I'd like to thank all of you who flew in from the States.